Motivation

“Motivate them...” It was an off the cuff remark from one of my students, but it stopped me cold. I stopped the presentation (Training and Development) and said “It’s time for Prof. Wright’s talk on motivation. “ Now, if you have not had the pleasure of listening to me:

A) go on and on and on about motivation and/or

B) talk about why Intrinsic motivation is so powerful and/or

C) say “You can’t motivate anyone to do anything, but you can influence and sway their behavior by changing their environment”

or you don’t believe any of it this, take a look at this great YouTube clip:

Did You Know 4.0...

If you watched the original 'Shift happens' video, you may be interested to know that a newly updated version, Did You Know 4.0 has now been released. It tends to focus on convergence, rise of social media, fall of traditional sources and comes with lots of facts and figures (with citations!). It's certainly interesting and I assigned it to my class. Always thought provoking…

Book Review: Yes! 50 Scientifically Proven Ways to Be Persuasive by Robert Cialdini, Noah Goldstein, and Steve J. Martin

Authors Noah Goldstein, Steve Martin, and Robert Cialdini provide what they promise: 50 case studies where science determined the difference between “yes” and “no” responses.

The book is a quick read and the 50 chapters are short and the writing style familiar. But Yes! 50 Scientifically Proven Ways To Be Persuasive stands out for two reasons: everything is backed up by hard data and there is a prominent focus on the ethical use of the techniques.

Yes! does not get bogged down with numbers, but the authors are very clear about the research and testing that goes into their conclusions. For example, let’s imagine that your business relies on your employees making deals. In one of the Yes! experiments, when one group of test subjects was asked to mimic a negotiator’s physical behavior, they reached a deal 67% of the time. Think about your imaginary business for a second. How much would a 10% decrease in deal-making hurt you? What about 20%? Non-mimicking pairs of negotiators reached a deal only 12.5% of the time – a difference of more than 54%. Perhaps that’s enough for you to start considering the authors persuasive techniques.

We also like this book is because the ethical ramifications of the work are never hidden away. The authors advocate that not only is unethical persuasion distasteful, but that it’s less profitable too. The authors contend,

“Often the first influence strategy that comes to mind will not be the most ethical – or the wisest, as was demonstrated…as ethical persuaders, we can take comfort in knowing that those who do choose to wield social influence as a destructive weapon, rather than a constructive tool, will inevitably end up pointing that weapon at themselves and shooting themselves in the foot”

This isn’t a perfect book . A few of the stories are boring and some of the humor falls flat. Nonetheless, we recommend it. It’s perfect for a business trip and quick enough to be read in a weekend.

Pomp & Circumstance

Yes, it’s that time of year. Pomp & Circumstance is pounding in many heads and mortarboards are flying. Graduation season – the commencement of a new stage of life. This year, my stepson Brian is graduating from High School and my niece and nephew are graduating from college. So, in their honor of their considerable achievements, here are a few lessons from my journey I’d like to share. And for those of us whose commencement was a bit in the past, it’s a nice reminder.

Life is supposed to be fun, so laugh - A Lot! Take your school, your homework, and your career choices seriously, but always take yourself lightly! People like being with people who smile and make them laugh. Remember that the safest target for your humor will always be you. When you laugh at yourself before others do, you win!

Life can be difficult and sometimes unfair. College is more difficult than high school; life is more difficult than college. Every increase in the degree of difficulty lets you experience the satisfaction of mastering that next level. Stretch your mental and relationship muscles and they will work better. Maturity and true optimism comes from overcoming increasingly tough obstacles. While you may not believe it right now, you have what it takes to overcome life's difficulties. The hard part is proving it to yourself.

Your attitude is the biggest choice you will make. You are going to make mistakes. However, instead of beating yourself up, ask yourself, "What can I learn from this?” Then stop looking in the rearview mirror and start looking ahead and use the lesson to make your life better.

Develop a sense of gratitude. Be thankful for what life gives you every day. The next time you feel like hosting your own “pity party”, write down your blessings instead of your problems.

Be nice to all the people you meet along the way. It's not only what you know that will get you ahead, but also how you treat others you live and work with. Not everyone you meet will be nice in return. In the end, however, nice people do get ahead.

No one I know is good at all these lessons, least of all me. I’m still working on them, but they are worth learning and remembering. So whatever stage of life you are commencing, make memories, make a difference and enjoy the journey.

Setting an Example...

A commonly offered definition of leadership is accomplishing results through people doing things they might not ordinarily want to do. Setting an example is perhaps the most basic way that leaders get effective results. In Peters and Waterman’s classic, they talked extensively about “management by walking around.” Certainly, this is one way to get out and set an example.

However, a recent CBS News piece on Haruka Nishimatsu, President and CEO of Japan Air, gives a superior example of this concept:

Nishimatsu provides a great example of someone who will not only run a company, but how to encourage people to take the initiative, giving them a feeling of job ownership. Put in the context of the economic meltdown, the majority of these steps should be a no brainer, something all leaders, at every level others need to take a long hard look at.

Every day there are countless ways, both positive and negative, in which leaders set an example. The leaders conduct, the way they treat other people and the attitude they bring to work every day is an example of what they want their team to do.

So, what kind of example are you setting?

Attitude...

Many people believe that their attitude is not their own choice. For many, attitude depends upon people and circumstances. If people are nice to them, then they have a good attitude. On the other hand, if someone treats them unfairly, then they have a bad attitude.

Awhile back, someone sent me this email. You may have read it too. It certainly brings home the point of attitudes.

John is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, 'If I were any better, I would be twins!'

He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked him, 'I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?'

He replied, 'Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood. I choose to be in a good mood.'

'Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or ... I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it.' Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or... I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.'

'Yeah, right, it's not that easy,' I protested.

'Yes, it is,' he said. 'Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood.

You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live your life.'

I reflected on what he said. Soon after that, I left the Tower Industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.

Several years later, I heard that he was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower.

After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, he was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back. I saw him about six months after the accident.

When I asked him how he was, he replied, 'If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?'

I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place.

'The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my kids,' he replied. 'Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or...I could choose to die. I chose to live.'

'Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?' I asked

He continued, '...the paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man'. I knew I needed to take action.'

'What did you do?' I asked.

'Well, there was a nurse shouting questions at me,' said John. 'She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes, I replied.' The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Gravity.' Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead.'

He lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.

Attitude, after all, is everything. And, your attitude is your choice.

We can blame circumstances for our attitude. We can blame the actions of others for our attitude. We can even blame the dog. But the truth is, we decide, we choose and we determine our attitude at any given moment.

The attitude that you have right now, at this very moment, is the one you have chosen to carry around. It is determined by your thoughts.

Think about it. When was the last time you had a lousy attitude and a great day? Do you think that a connection exists between attitude, thoughts and physical realities of the day you are having? Of course it does!

Undoubtedly, there will days with circumstances that we cannot change. There may be people we deal with that act like jerks. Yet, regardless of what we are faced with each day, we can choose to let it affect our attitude, or we can choose to not let it affect our attitude.

What will be your choice?

Change...

With all the events of the past few months, I thought this inspirational speech given by Azim Premji, Chairman of Wipro Corporation, at the 37th Annual Convocation 2002, IIM, Ahmedabad. Through his thought provoking speech, he shares his guiding principles to stay afloat in a changing world. While his speech was given seven years ago, it seems so relevant today.

11 Lessons on Change Management: Azim Premji

While change and uncertainty have always been a part of life, what has been shocking over the last year has been both the quantum and suddenness of change. For many people who were cruising along on placid waters, the wind was knocked out of their sails. The entire logic of doing business was turned on its head. Not only business, but also every aspect of human life has been impacted by the change. What lies ahead is even more dynamic and uncertain. I would like to use this opportunity to share with you some of our own guiding principles of staying afloat in a changing world. This is based on our experience in Wipro. Hope you find them useful.

First,be alert for the first signs of change. Change descends on every one equally; it is just that some realize it faster. Some changes are sudden but many others are gradual. While sudden changes get attention because they are dramatic, it is the gradual changes that are ignored till it is too late. You must have all heard of story of the frog in boiling water. If the Temperature of the water is suddenly increased, the frog realizes it and jumps out of the water. But if the temperature is very slowly increased, one degree at a time, the frog does not realize it till it boils to death. You must develop your own early warning system, which warns you of changes and calls your attention to it. In the case of change, being forewarned is being forearmed.

Second, anticipate change even when things are going right. Most people wait for something to go wrong before they think of change. It is like going to the doctor for a check up only when you are seriously sick or thinking of maintaining your vehicle only when it breaks down. The biggest enemy of future success is past success. When you succeed, you feel that you must be doing something right for it to happen. But when the parameters for success changes, doing the same things may or may not continue to lead to success. Guard against complacency all the time. Complacency makes you blind to the early signals from the environment that something is going wrong.

Third, always look at the opportunities that change represents. Managing change has a lot to go with our own attitude towards it. It is proverbial half-full or half-empty glass approach. For every problem that change represents, there is an opportunity lurking in disguise somewhere. It is up to you to spot it before someone else does.

Fourth, do not allow routines to become chains. For many of us the routine we have got accustomed to obstruct change. Routines represent our own zones of comfort. There is a sense of predictability about them. They have structured our time and even our thought in a certain way. While routines are useful, do not let them enslave you. Deliberately break out of them from time to time.

Fifth, realize that fear of the unknown is natural. With change comes a feeling of insecurity. Many people believe that brave people are not afflicted by this malady. The truth is different. Every one feels the fear of unknown. Courage is not the absence of fear but the ability to manage fear without getting paralyzed. Feel the fear, but move on regardless.

Sixth, keep renewing yourself. This prepares you to anticipate change and be ready for it when it comes. Constantly ask yourself what new skills and competencies will be needed. Begin working on them before it becomes necessary and you will have a natural advantage. The greatest benefit of your education lies not only in what you have learnt, but also in working how to learn. Formal education is the beginning of the journey of learning. Yet I do meet youngsters who feel that they have already learnt all there is to learn. You have to constantly learn about people and how to interact effectively with them. In the world of tomorrow, only those individuals and organizations will succeed who have mastered the art of rapid and on-going learning.

Seventh, surround yourself with people who are open to change. If you are always in the company of cynics, you will soon find yourself becoming like them. A cynic knows all the reasons why something cannot be done. Instead, spend time with people who have a “can-do” approach. Choose your advisors and mentors correctly. Pessimism is contagious, but then so is enthusiasm. In fact, reasonable optimism can be an amazing force multiplier.

Eighth, play to win. I have said this many times in the past. Playing to win is not the same as cutting corners. When you play to win, you stretch yourself to your maximum and use all your potential. It also helps you to concentrate your energy on what you can influence instead of getting bogged down with the worry of what you cannot change. Do your best and leave the rest.

Ninth, respect yourself. The world will reward you on your successes. Success requires no explanation and failure permits none. But you need to respect yourself enough so that your self-confidence remains intact whether you succeed or fail. If you succeed 90 percent of the time, you are doing fine. If you are succeeding all the time, you should ask yourself if you are taking enough risks. If you do not take enough risks, you may also be losing out on many opportunities. Think through but take the plunge. If some things do go wrong, learn from them.

I came across this interesting story some time ago: One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and begin to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw. With every shovel of dirt that fell on his back, the donkey was doing some thing amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and totted off! Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick is to not to get bogged down by it. We can get out of the deepest wells by not stopping. And by never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Tenth, in spite of all the change around you, decide upon what you will never change - your core values. Take your time to decide what they are but once you do, do not compromise on them for any reason. Integrity is one such value.

Finally, we must remember that succeeding in a changing world is beyond just surviving. It is our responsibility to create and contribute something to the world that has given us so much. We must remember that many have contributed to our success, including our parents and others from our society. All of us have a responsibility to utilize our potential for making our nation a better place for others, who may not be as well endowed as us, or as fortunate in having the opportunities that we have received.

Optimistic?

Leaders are supposed to look on the bright side, accentuate the positive, and inspire the troops. In “The Dark Side of Optimism” The Conference Board Review (January/February 2008) Susan Webber explains why positive thinking has become over-emphasized, raising barriers to realistic, objective assessment. While she may be exaggerating the pro-positive slant of current management practice, she is on solid ground in warning about the dangers of excessive optimism. She makes several recommendations to encourage cognitively healthy behavior:

• Senior management must take deliberate, concerted measures to signal that it is less interested in boosting morale than in the cold, hard truth
  
• Never shoot the messenger; show interest in the downside and the upside
  
• Shake up habits and procedures (scenario planning can help)
  
• Establish a house skeptic.

Jim Collins in his book Good To Great, describes what he calls The Stockdale Paradox (Chapter 4, pages 83–85). In an interview with Admiral Stockdale, Collins asked him to describe how he survived the “Hanoi Hilton” prisoner-of-war camp for eight years during the Vietnam War. Here is what Stockdale said:

“I never lost faith in the end of the story. I never doubted not only that I would get out, but also that I would prevail in the end and turn the experience into the defining event of my life, which, in retrospect, I would not trade.”

“Who didn’t make it out”?

“The optimists. They were the ones who said ‘we’re going to be out by Christmas’. And, Christmas would come and Christmas would go. Then they’d say, ‘We’re going to be out by Easter.’ And Easter would come, and Easter would go. And then Thanksgiving, and then it would be Christmas again. Then they died of a broken heart.”

“You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end – which you can never afford to lose – with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.”

Take Away: You have to believe that you will come through all this. You must do everything you can to make that happen. But never let your belief cloud your confrontation with reality.

Survival…

The book Deep Survival: who lives, who dies and why, by Laurence Gonzales, asks the question: why do some people survive dangerous situations and when other people don’t? The author spends most of his time telling riveting survival stories: plane crashes, mountain climbing accidents, people lost in the woods - all page turners. But the real value Gonzales also pulls out of these incidents is this nugget: people that survive abandon their mental models of the world and open their eyes. They don’t try to force the world to be a certain way: instead they respond to the situation with a new mind set, taking it to be what it is, and working within the real world to survive and even thrive.

According to Gonzales, here are some of the key elements of what survivors do:

Perceive and believe: Survivors see opportunity, even good, in their situation, however grim. After the ordeal is over, people may be surprised to hear them say it was the best thing that ever happened to them.

Stay Calm, Use Anger Productively: In the initial crisis, survivors are not ruled by fear; instead, they make use of it. Their fear often feels like (and turns into) anger, which motivates them and makes them feel sharper.

Think, Analyze, and Plan: Survivors quickly organize, set up routines, and institute discipline.

Take Correct, Decisive Action: Survivors are willing to take risks to save themselves and others. But they are simultaneously bold and cautious in what they will do.

Celebrate Success: Survivors take great joy from even their smallest successes. This helps keep motivation high and prevents a lethal plunge into hopelessness.

Be a Rescuer, Not a Victim: Survivors are always doing what they do for someone else, even if that someone is thousands of miles away.

Enjoy the Journey: It may seem counter-intuitive, but even in the worst circumstances, survivors find something to enjoy, some way to play and laugh.

Believe That You Will Succeed: A survivor's will to live becomes firmly fixed on the belief that, no matter what happens, they will come through the crisis.

Do Whatever Is Necessary: Survivors have a reason to live and are willing to bet everything on themselves.

Never Give Up: Survivors are not easily discouraged by setbacks. When they fall, they pick themselves up and start again.

The present economic difficulties magnify the importance of these rules.

Potential...

Harvard Business Review published an article entitled Reaching Your Potential by Robert S. Kaplan in the July-August 2008 issue.

He urges all of us to seize control of our careers so that we are no longer the victims of what happens to us in the workplace, but rather the person in charge. How can you become the CEO of your career?

Kaplan suggests that we take three specific actions:

• Know yourself.

Start by understanding your strengths and weaknesses. Then, look at what you truly enjoy doing. This exercise can help you center your career on employment experiences that will enable you to perform that kind of work every single day. If you do that, even a bad day at work won’t compare to a good day doing something you can’t stand.

• Excel at critical tasks.

Take the time to identify the three or four activities in your job that make the greatest contribution to the success of your employer, even if that’s you. Then, focus your energy and talent as much as possible on doing those tasks and on doing them as well as you can all of the time.

• Demonstrate character and leadership.

Set yourself apart by excelling at your own work and by practicing good teamwork. Figure out what you can do to help your team and organization be successful and then do it. Almost every organization wants people who are willing to step forward and see their job as greater than the specific tasks identified by the job description.

Every August...

Each year in August since 1998, Beloit College in Wisconsin compiles a list of ideas and objects the entering class of students has grown up with and that have shaped their worldview and cultural mindset. This list is known as The Beloit College Mindset List.

The results are both useful and sobering for anyone over 30. And, while is it supposedly not designed to make anyone feel old, I can’t help by feel that way as I read it every year!

So here is the entire list for the entering college class of 2009 who will graduate in 2012:

The class of 2012 has grown up in an era where computers and rapid communication are the norm, and colleges no longer trumpet the fact that residence halls are “wired” and equipped with the latest hardware. These students will hardly recognize the availability of telephones in their rooms since they have seldom utilized landlines during their adolescence. They will continue to live on their cell phones and communicate via texting. Roommates, few of whom have ever shared a bedroom, have already checked out each other on Facebook where they have shared their most personal thoughts with the whole world.

It is a multicultural, politically correct and “green” generation that has hardly noticed the threats to their privacy and has never feared the Russians and the Warsaw Pact.

Students entering college for the first time this fall were generally born in 1990.

For these students, Sammy Davis Jr., Jim Henson, Ryan White, Stevie Ray Vaughan and Freddy Krueger have always been dead.

1. Harry Potter could be a classmate, playing on their Quidditch team.
2. Since they were in diapers, karaoke machines have been annoying people at parties.
3. They have always been looking for Carmen Sandiego.
4. GPS satellite navigation systems have always been available.
5. Coke and Pepsi have always used recycled plastic bottles.
6. Shampoo and conditioner have always been available in the same bottle.
7. Gas stations have never fixed flats, but most serve cappuccino.
8. Their parents may have dropped them in shock when they heard George Bush announce “tax revenue increases.”
9. Electronic filing of tax returns has always been an option.
10. Girls in head scarves have always been part of the school fashion scene.
11. All have had a relative--or known about a friend's relative--who died comfortably at home with Hospice.
12. As a precursor to “whatever,” they have recognized that some people “just don’t get it.”
13. Universal Studios has always offered an alternative to Mickey in Orlando.
14. Grandma has always had wheels on her walker.
15. Martha Stewart Living has always been setting the style.
16. Haagen-Dazs ice cream has always come in quarts.
17. Club Med resorts have always been places to take the whole family.
18. WWW has never stood for World Wide Wrestling.
19. Films have never been X rated, only NC-17.
20. The Warsaw Pact is as hazy for them as the League of Nations was for their parents.
21. Students have always been "Rocking the Vote.”
22. Clarence Thomas has always sat on the Supreme Court.
23. Schools have always been concerned about multiculturalism.
24. We have always known that “All I Ever Really Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.”
25. There have always been gay rabbis.
26. Wayne Newton has never had a mustache.
27. College grads have always been able to Teach for America.
28. IBM has never made typewriters.
29. Roseanne Barr has never been invited to sing the National Anthem again.
30. McDonald’s and Burger King have always used vegetable oil for cooking french fries.
31. They have never been able to color a tree using a raw umber Crayola.
32. There has always been Pearl Jam.
33. The Tonight Show has always been hosted by Jay Leno and started at 11:35 EST.
34. Pee-Wee has never been in his playhouse during the day.
35. They never tasted Benefit Cereal with psyllium.
36. They may have been given a Nintendo Game Boy to play with in the crib.
37. Authorities have always been building a wall across the Mexican border.
38. Lenin’s name has never been on a major city in Russia.
39. Employers have always been able to do credit checks on employees.
40. Balsamic vinegar has always been available in the U.S.
41. Macaulay Culkin has always been Home Alone.
42. Their parents may have watched The American Gladiators on TV the day they were born.
43. Personal privacy has always been threatened.
44. Caller ID has always been available on phones.
45. Living wills have always been asked for at hospital check-ins.
46. The Green Bay Packers (almost) always had the same starting quarterback.
47. They never heard an attendant ask “Want me to check under the hood?”
48. Iced tea has always come in cans and bottles.
49. Soft drink refills have always been free.
50. They have never known life without Seinfeld references from a show about “nothing.”
51. Windows 3.0 operating system made IBM PCs user-friendly the year they were born.
52. Muscovites have always been able to buy Big Macs.
53. The Royal New Zealand Navy has never been permitted a daily ration of rum.
54. The Hubble Space Telescope has always been eavesdropping on the heavens.
55. 98.6 F or otherwise has always been confirmed in the ear.
56. Michael Millken has always been a philanthropist promoting prostate cancer research.
57. Off-shore oil drilling in the United States has always been prohibited.
58. Radio stations have never been required to present both sides of public issues.
59. There have always been charter schools.
60. Students always had Goosebumps.

Copyright © 2008 - Beloit College

A Great Read

Take five minutes to read this insightful June 5th WSJ article by Robert A. Guth. It outlines how Bill Gates and Steve Ballmer made their relationship work and how they have handled the delicate transition of power as Gates steps down from Microsoft June 27. This article is an insightful look at succession and finding the right second in command.

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB121261241035146237.html

Questions

Recently I took a trip that included a stop at one of my “alma maters”, Radford University. Over twenty years ago, I spent two years there doing graduate work in Industrial /Organizational Psychology.

The fun part of the visit was walking around campus. It seems a bit smaller and it has changed so much - but so have I. I was flooded by the memories of great people and good times.

More important, I started thinking, “if I could meet the young man I was for coffee, what questions could I answer for him?” Certainly, I tell him to take more risks and don’t play it so conservatively. And, geez, have more fun.

Then I started thinking, “What if today, I could have lunch with the man I will become 20 years from now? What advice would he give me?”

Would he tell me that it was worth all the effort? Would he tell me to take more time to enjoy it all? What advise could he give me about my two step-sons?

If you could go back 20 years, what advice would you give yourself?

I'm lucky...

Yes, it's Valentine’s Day, And while some people seem a bit jaded by the whole thing, I think it's a great time to tell my wife how much I love her.

You see, I'm really lucky. This is my second marriage (second time was a charm for me) and I could not ask for more.

Now, being a Corporate Shrink, I'm usually give advice about business related issues. But today, I'm turning my attention to affairs of the heart. And the best advice I've ever read about great relationships comes from Mark Goulston, MD.

His Blog (http://www.markgoulston.com/blog/) ran a great piece on relationships.

Here it is:

1. Go to bed at the same time. Remember the beginning of your relationship, when you couldn't wait to go to bed with each other to make love? Happy couples resist the temptation to go to bed at different times. They go to bed at the same time, even if one partner wakes up later to do things while their partner sleeps.

2. Cultivate common interests. After the passion settles down, it's common to realize that you have few interests in common. But don't minimize the importance of activities you can do together that you both enjoy. If common interests are not present, happy couples develop them. At the same time, be sure to cultivate interests of your own; this will make you more interesting to your mate and prevent you from appearing too dependent.

3. Walk hand in hand or side by side. Rather than one partner lagging or dragging behind the other, happy couples walk comfortably hand in hand or side by side. They know it's more important to be with their partner than to see the sights along the way.

4. Make trust and forgiveness your default mode. If and when they have a disagreement or argument, and if they can't resolve it, happy couples default to trusting and forgiving rather than distrusting and begrudging.

5. Focus more on what your partner does right than what he or she does wrong. If you look for things your partner does wrong, you can always find something. If you look for what he or she does right, you can always find something, too. It all depends on what you want to look for. Happy couples accentuate the positive.

6. Hug each other as soon as you see each other after work. Our skin has a memory of "good touch" (loved), "bad touch" (abused) and "no touch" (neglected). Couples who say hello with a hug keep their skin bathed in the "good touch," which can inoculate your spirit against anonymity in the world.

7. Say "I love you" and "Have a good day" every morning. This is a great way to buy some patience and tolerance as each partner sets out each day to battle traffic jams, long lines and other annoyances.

8. Say "Good night" every night, regardless of how you feel. This tells your partner that, regardless of how upset you are with him or her, you still want to be in the relationship. It says that what you and your partner have is bigger than any single upsetting incident.

9. Do a "weather" check during the day. Call your partner at home or at work to see how his or her day is going. This is a great way to adjust expectations so that you're more in sync when you connect after work. For instance, if your partner is having an awful day, it might be unreasonable to expect him or her to be enthusiastic about something good that happened to you.

10. Be proud to be seen with your partner. Happy couples are pleased to be seen together and are often in some kind of affectionate contact -- hand on hand or hand on shoulder or knee or back of neck. They are not showing off but rather just saying that they belong with each other.

Happy couples have different habits than unhappy couples. A habit is a discrete behavior that you do automatically and that takes little effort to maintain. It takes 21 days of daily repetition of a new a behavior to become a habit. So select one of the behaviors in the list above to do for 21 days and voila, it will become a habit...and make you happier as a couple. And if you fall off the wagon, don't despair, just apologize to your partner, ask their forgiveness and recommit yourself to getting back in the habit.

(c) 2008 Mark Goulston

Happiness

Happiness is not a matter of fortune or worldly possessions. It is a mental attitude. It comes from appreciating what we have, instead of being miserable about what we don't have. It's so simple, yet so hard for the human mind to comprehend. - Anonymous Quote

At Carnegie Mellon University, there was an exercise for Professors to imagine that they were going to die. What would they say if they knew it was their "Last Lecture"? For Randy Pausch, a 47-Year-Old Professor, it was not an exercise. It is his reality because he is dying of Pancreatic Cancer. In the video below, he gives his “Last Lecture”. If you have not seen this, I urge you to take the time to watch.

Randy Pausch original lecture (approximately 107 min.):
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5700431505846055184&pr=goog-sl

Link to his website at Carnegie Mellon University:
http://www.cs.cmu.edu/~pausch/

Second Chances

We're given second chances every day of our life. We don't usually take them, but they're there for the taking. - Andrew M. Greeley

Recently, I saw someone I admire get a second chance. A friend of mine had some problems, the kind of problems that give us all nightmares. He was heading down a path of personal destruction. He made some mistakes and some bad choices.

But he turned himself around. He looked at himself, what he was doing with his life and decided to make his life better. He gave himself a second chance.

It was not easy. Nothing worthwhile ever is easy. There were setbacks and he had to take responsibility for his actions and his life. But he did it. Now, he smiles again, he’s funny and fun to be around.

Consequently, other people have given him a second chance. And that’s really what’s important.

The lesson: Give yourself a second chance first.

Practice...

I recently read a great article in Wine Spectator entitled 10,000 Hours by Matt Kramer. Essentially, the article talks about expertise. According to Daniel Levitin, cognitive psychologist and author of This Is Your Brain on Music, it takes approximately 10,000 hours to achieve expertise in any field.

“In study after study of composers, basketball players, fiction writers, ice skaters, concert pianists, chess players, master criminals, and what have you, this number comes up again and again. Ten thousand hours is the equivalent to roughly three hours a day, or twenty hours a week, of practice over ten years.”

Kramer goes on to talk about 10,000 hours in the context of wine expertise. He concludes that real experts “not only put in the time, they put in their hearts.” And perhaps that is the true mark of an expert. Practice and Passion.

Passion is what drives people to be great. Practice is what builds expertise. If you truly love what you do and commit yourself to disciplined practice, there is nothing that can truly deny you from achieving expertise.

What Passion do you intend to Practice?

Changes...

Change seems to be the only constant in life. After 20 years with the same employer, I’ve struck out on my own. Change is sometimes thrust upon us. Other times, change is necessary if we’re going to grow and move ahead. In my case, it was a bit of both.

After being with the same employer for so long, I needed a new challenge. Rather than look for another job (while it was safe and initially appealing), I wanted the challenge of building and growing my own business. I wanted to feel excited about a new venture. It’s often been said that, on our death bed, we don’t regret what we have done so much as we regret what we did not try. I did not want to look back at my life and think “Man, I should have started my own company…”

I’ve had the honor of coaching a number of individuals in my career. At some level, each individual had issues with the fear of trying something new. So, when it came time to really DO this, I found myself feeling the same kind of fear. But here’s the thing I found myself saying – feel the fear and do it anyway.

That’s the lesson I’ve taken from this…

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